"Days Of Our Lives" Weekly Recap: Vomitus Donuts From The Bowels Of Hell

Welcome to our weekly recap of Days Of Our Lives, the story of three gay men, a special PRESUMED DEAD BUT NOW MISSING manwhore, and the inconsequential straight people who bug the shit out of them (and us).

This week can best described as ... what's the word I'm looking for ... oh yeah ... FILLER.

They guys only had two episodes, and i didn't do an actual count, but i swear the number of new scenes and the hot sepia flashbacks of what happened just last week were about 50/50.

But we did get a new twist, if "new" can describe one of the hoariest of all soap opera cliches.

But we'll get to that.

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Paul visits Will to find out what the fuck is up with all the sneaking around with Sonny. Well, he doesn't put it exactly like that ... he's Paul. Which means he earnestly asks what was going on at the mansion and vulnerably asks why Will has been so scarce.

Will tells him that everything is fine, and there's absolutely nothing to worry about. Well, he doesn't put it exactly like that ... he's Will. Which means he hems and haws and stutters as his eyes dart back and forth.

Will convinces Paul that they were just discussing the case, and that he told Sonny about his uncovered memories, and made it clear that even though he remembers telling Sonny "I love you," his heart is now with Paul.

Paul buys it, but is taken aback when Will tells him he has to work on a story all night and maybe it'll be better if Paul stays at his own place tonight.

SIDEBAR: Where does Paul live? Is he still staying at that hotel? Did they get another hot meddling bellhop? Is it the same hotel where Brady lives? Does little Tate ride his tricycle through the empty halls trying to escape the horror of his life? Oh the things that boy has seen.

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Meanwhile, Sonny is struggling with keeping the secret of Leo's death. I mean struggling. Physically spastically struggling. Justin arrives at the mansion and immediately wants to know what happened to THAT RUG.

Okay ... I understand that the show doesn't want us to forget that THAT RUG is playing a major part in a storyline, but every person who comes into the mansion immediately stops everything and loudly exclaims "WHERE IS THAT RUG?" Okay, people, it's not the friggin Shroud Of Turin, just calm down.

Justin wants to prepare Sonny for the trial, but Sonny is completely out of it. He's sweaty and twitchy, and frankly looks like he's trying to keep his cheeks together til he can get to the toilet.

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After ditching his dad, Sonny meets Will at ... the park ... and they plan how they're going to proceed. They decide to go to where they left the car, prop Leo up in the front seat (Presumably after unrolling him from THAT RUG, but you never know with these two) and crash the car into a tree or telephone pole, thus making it look like a car accident. And hopefully the investigator will be Chief Wiggum or Roscoe P. Coltrane, cause no actual cop would ever buy this.

Their plan goes off without a hitch ... oh wait ... there's the little matter of Leo's car and body disappearing into thin air. Hey, problem solved!

The next day Leo is a no-show for the trial (I would have forgiven this show for all its bullshit if Leo suddenly entered the courtroom wearing a new suit made from THAT RUG). Sonny rushes over to see Will and they discuss their strategy.

Just kidding! They both freak out.Will tells him "I called every impound lot within a 50 mile radius and none of them have the car." Good idea Will! Now when the D.A. subpoenas your phone records, it'll be a nice tidy list.

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Sonny speculates that whoever Leo was working with Leo might have followed them and taken the car. Sure. Works for me.

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Paul walks in with a bag of delicious sandwiches he was going to share with Will to help him meet his deadline, but sees Will and Sonny sitting on the bed, and suddenly sharing his meatloaf with Will doesn't sound as appetizing.

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Will explains about Leo not showing up for the trial, and when Paul offers to try to find out where Leo ran off to, Sonny practically blurts out "GO TO HELL!" He tells Paul thanks, but he really wants to put Leo in the past, and hopefully Leo just left town and they'll never have to deal with him again. Paul is not at all suspicious.

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Paul says uh-huh, okay, whatever. Having had enough of Sonny for one day, Paul hints that he only brought two delicious sandwiches, so they'll have to share. Will says "Actually, they want me to drop the story I was working on and write this story about Leo not showing up at the trial, so I'm going to need to be with Sonny for a while."Paul takes the hint and leaves the delicious sandwiches. After he's gone Sonny tells Will that if he needs to tell Paul the truth he'll understand, but Will says "If I tell Paul, that makes him an accessory to the crime." He doesn't want to involve Paul, but he warns Sonny that eventually Paul will figure it out.

Elsewhere in Salem ...Gabi is still trying to get back in Ari's good graces, but it isn't working out, thankfully. She brings her a new doll, and Ari flings it across the room like it was an extorting manwhore.

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Besides, Ari already has a favorite doll, which she immediately runs upstairs to play with.

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Causing this ...

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Oh, and Jennifer begs Eric to taste her plain cake donuts. That's not a euphemism. He wisely resists. I'm still waiting for the day when he confesses his love for cream-filled eclairs.See you next week!       

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