Nighttime Thoughts. Where the Fuck is Karen, Todd?


Did, you hide my vodka from me again? WHY?


Just burned my lip on a microwaved left-over burger from diner. Was it a god idea to eat something that had been sitting out—albeit covered—for coming up on 6 hours? I guess I’ll find out later, for now my lip was on fire.

Luckily, my husband Todd is a whiz at first aide. He got my lip back in to tip-top shape faster than you could say “two tip-top tops and a tip-top bottom went at it in the hallway of INSTERT LOCAL BAR WITH EAGLE IN THE NAME during pride this year!”

How do you fix up a blistered lip? A little Neosporin and a-lot of love.

My wife’s name is Karen and she is very much a female woman...

But, wait. it was at that moment that I remembered I didn’t have husband named Todd! My wife’s name is Karen and she is very much a female woman and not a Real Doll™️ in one of my mother’s old moo moos.

I hadn’t seen Karen in a while, but she’s alway like this. Hiding things. Like the vodka or my keys. She’s a terrible fucking bitch. Really.

My stomach is really starting to churn now, and I REALLY want some water. Not sure if it’s the old burger of the large amount of MDMA I took with a very light mushroom tea a few hours ago…. Probably the burger.

You know, I never really liked my father all that much.

You know, I’m slowly becoming my father, aren’t I?

Greg was right, I should move back to Chicago. I feel like Chicago is where it’s happening. 3/4 of my 2014 friend group moved there, so why not me?

It’s too hot down here anyway.

Fuck! I bet it’s too cold in the winter there.

Way too cold.

I’ve cleaned my own mother’s urine off the floor more times than I care to admit. No matter what anyone tells me, there is no ultimate reward for this.

Constantly hearing from someone how much they want to kills them selves on a weekly-or-so basis really wares one you.

INSTERT LOCAL BAR WITH EAGLE IN THE NAME

Luckily Greg, Tonya, and… FUCK what’s my wife’s name? Karen?

Wait.

Todd. It’s Todd, Karen, and Tonya.

Who’s Tonya?

Was Tonya the name of the bottom I saw at INSTERT LOCAL BAR WITH EAGLE IN THE NAME?

Nope, their name was Angel.

I was once in love with a girl named Reed. I thought she should marry a boy named Nathen Reid so her name would be Reed Reid. I also said she should help little kids learn to read so they could tell her, often, that Reed Reid reads…. She’s a speech pathologist I think? Last I heard she somehow had a 1.0 GPA in college. No. Last I heard she drunk-dialed me in 2015 telling me she wanted to hang out because she was moving back to GA.

I am not in GA. I am not on earth.

God, that burder.

Do you realize how hard my Mac made it for me to type “burder” for that really old joke I just made? I had to backspace three times! That’s the real upsetting part of that story.

A patty she does not exist, a shame he’s not a fag. The only girl Iv’e ever loved is Andrew in drag.

Coconut Records is just Jason Schwartzman in a different outfit.