Nighttime Thoughts. Where the Fuck is Karen, Todd?

Did, you hide my vodka from me again? WHY?

Just burned my lip on a microwaved left-over burger from diner. Was it a god idea to eat something that had been sitting out—albeit covered—for coming up on 6 hours? I guess I’ll find out later, for now my lip was on fire.

Luckily, my husband Todd is a whiz at first aide. He got my lip back in to tip-top shape faster than you could say “two tip-top tops and a tip-top bottom went at it in the hallway of INSTERT LOCAL BAR WITH EAGLE IN THE NAME during pride this year!”

How do you fix up a blistered lip? A little Neosporin and a-lot of love.

My wife’s name is Karen and she is very much a female woman...

But, wait. it was at that moment that I remembered I didn’t have husband named Todd! My wife’s name is Karen and she is very much a female woman and not a Real Doll™️ in one of my mother’s old moo moos.

I hadn’t seen Karen in a while, but she’s alway like this. Hiding things. Like the vodka or my keys. She’s a terrible fucking bitch. Really.

My stomach is really starting to churn now, and I REALLY want some water. Not sure if it’s the old burger of the large amount of MDMA I took with a very light mushroom tea a few hours ago…. Probably the burger.

You know, I never really liked my father all that much.

You know, I’m slowly becoming my father, aren’t I?

Greg was right, I should move back to Chicago. I feel like Chicago is where it’s happening. 3/4 of my 2014 friend group moved there, so why not me?

It’s too hot down here anyway.

Fuck! I bet it’s too cold in the winter there.

Way too cold.

I’ve cleaned my own mother’s urine off the floor more times than I care to admit. No matter what anyone tells me, there is no ultimate reward for this.

Constantly hearing from someone how much they want to kills them selves on a weekly-or-so basis really wares one you.


Luckily Greg, Tonya, and… FUCK what’s my wife’s name? Karen?


Todd. It’s Todd, Karen, and Tonya.

Who’s Tonya?

Was Tonya the name of the bottom I saw at INSTERT LOCAL BAR WITH EAGLE IN THE NAME?

Nope, their name was Angel.

I was once in love with a girl named Reed. I thought she should marry a boy named Nathen Reid so her name would be Reed Reid. I also said she should help little kids learn to read so they could tell her, often, that Reed Reid reads…. She’s a speech pathologist I think? Last I heard she somehow had a 1.0 GPA in college. No. Last I heard she drunk-dialed me in 2015 telling me she wanted to hang out because she was moving back to GA.

I am not in GA. I am not on earth.

God, that burder.

Do you realize how hard my Mac made it for me to type “burder” for that really old joke I just made? I had to backspace three times! That’s the real upsetting part of that story.

A patty she does not exist, a shame he’s not a fag. The only girl Iv’e ever loved is Andrew in drag.

Coconut Records is just Jason Schwartzman in a different outfit.