I have no idea why I’m still watching True Blood. Last season was terrible, but it brought me back in with the promising idea of Tara being shot in the head. So, maybe that’s why. Maybe I thought, “HEY! They get it. They get that she is terrible and that they don’t know how to fix her except by removing her from the show.” But that would imply that the show is a step above terrible. Look, this show has no excuses, unlike some other show on the CW, because this show is supposedly aimed at adults.* But because I hate myself, here I am, venting out my hatred because RIP Gabe recaps. Let’s take this step by step:

  • I’m watching the “Previously On” because I literally forgot everything about this show due to a combination of alcohol and my brain saving me from myself. And this bit reminded me of one of the worst lines on anything ever, when a werewolf said, “You just pissed on the wrong pooch.” So, hey HBO, if you ever wanted to make people regret their subscription, perfect job.
  • The episode starts about five minutes before the last one ends, so we see Tara get shot in the head again (Yay!), then it cuts to Bill and Eric because they can sense her or some shit (that’s how it works), and Bill wants to go, and Eric says, “Fuck Sookie!” and this show actually gave me some fucking promise. They get captured because of course they do.
  • So here’s Sookie, Lafayette, and shot-in-the-face Tara in Sookie’s kitchen. And Pam arrives because….I don’t really care why because Pam is pretty much the best on this show. Lafayette asks her to turn Tara most likely because the writers hate the audience but in my dreams because we’ll see Tara become a giant puddle of good which is the possibility of a good thing.
  • And here’s Scott Foley in Terry and Arlene’s dining room. Oh right, he’s here because he’s Terry’s war buddy and Terry has PTSD and it’s being brought up because….? Anyway, the only reason I’m bringing this up is that Arlene’s kids look like they’ve grown up a lot in what is only a year and some months on the show.
  • Sam is a shifter and is cornered by some werewolves because Sam killed that guy last year. Moving on.
  • Sookie takes a shower (no nudity yet), and has a flashback to when she was a kid at kickball and is picked last and it’s sad or something but ends up being hilarious? Also Tara shows up? It’s really ridiculous and the kids are obviously dubbed by their older counterparts and it’s icing on the failure cake.
  • So Alcide goes over to Sookie because Russell is back (even though we don’t see him), and Sookie is somehow worried about telling him about killing his wife in self-defense. Really? “Oh hey, your wife who has already tried killing me once tried to kill me again so I managed to get her gun and shoot her in the face.” “So the police took her body?” “What police?” “Frank Sobotka from The Wire.” “Yeah, nevermind.”
  • Speaking of Frank Sobotka from The Wire, you see Frank Sobotka from The Wire’s ass. That’s really all that needs to be mentioned here.
  • So back to Bill and Eric in the trunk. They escape because of course they do, but it turns out one of the people in the front is a vampire that Eric knows. They make out then he says he’s her sister. It’s an Incestivus for the rest of us! Later we see them fucking in a can from Frank Sobotka’s docks when Eric’s cellphone rings, and he says “We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions.” Good line. It deserves an Emmy.
  • Oh right, Jessica and Jason are a thing. Jessica has college students at her house because…? And they’re playing Rock Band, so at least the show is solidifying the idea that this show takes place in 2009. (Which reminds me, the reverend from Season 2 showed up, and not only is he a vampire, but he is also gay. So he came out of the closet and the (ugh) coffin. He then professes his love for Jason. Who writes this shit? I don’t even have a joke for this.)
  • As part of a deal Sam makes with the werewolves, he leads them to the dude who said the pooch line’s body. They dig him up, and his parents FUCKING EAT HIM. They eat their own. Good. I was worried that this show was still the worst, but it’s back to laughably bad.
  • Back to Bill and Eric: their escape plans are foiled, and they are captured again because they’re the worst vampires ever.
  • Tara wakes up from the grave in the last five frames and I’m glad they limited Tara into as little as screentime they could get because she’s the worst.

I may or may not be recapping this every week. I’ll play it by ear.

*If you think this is a slight against teenage girls, you’re wrong. All teenagers are morons. I know. I used to be one.

Post by Frank

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