Did you know that the Jonas Brothers broke up? Me neither. They may be on hiatus, or whatever, but the oldest one is married and the youngest had a side project (or so my 8 year old sister tells me), which left poor Joe in the cold. But being the talented singer/tambourine player that he is, Joe figured that his adoring fans would follow him in his journey to Solotown, just like we did with Justin Timberlake in 2003.

The result is “Fastlife,” an album that my mother bought me as a joke. Haha, Mom, joke’s on you.

Quick aside: I’m about to spend 24 hours on 3 separate planes plus 10 or so hours in the airport with layovers. I’m not in a position to turn away free music or free books. Also, I adore pop music. Obviously, we’re too old to be considered the Jonas Brothers’ target market, but you have to admit that “Burnin’ Up” was really catchy.

But here’s the deal: this album is exactly what you’d expect. It’s one part of a kid’s group trying to grow up and be sexy. Nothing new. We saw it with Britney, Xtina, Justin Timberlake, Miley, etc. Our parents saw it, our grandparents saw it, tale as old as time. What’s slightly different is that this time it’s even weirder. I’ve never had a problem with artists trying to grow up. It might not have made for good music, but neither would a 30 year old singing about the super cute guy she has a crush on (omg y’all, Taylor Swift in 10 years?!?). What I have a problem with is Joe “Purity Ring” Jonas telling me that he’d like to get drunk and “get into my lane” even though he’s tired of my game-playing and I should stop acting like “it’s [my] first time.”

Dude! Isn’t it YOUR first time?

Anyway, back to this (sorry, I had to go shower). This album isn’t sexy, but it’s trying so, so hard.

This entire thing was written so I could say one thing.

Dear everyone, I do not care if you are a virgin or not. Dear celebrities, stop marketing yourself by your sexuality or lack thereof.

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